The start of a book idea "Beyond Infinity"

This is the first section of a book idea that extends the comic stories I have been writing to a science fiction setting:

Ah, welcome back. It is good to see you, dear faithful and loyal reader. You should be delighted by what we, and by that I mean WE, have in store for you. Hapless is reprising his role as stalwart Hero. Oh, I know he did not seem like that in his previous adventure where he was a five foot eleven spindly, anaemic, unfit and pimply youth of very little brawn and no brain.

‘I was never spindly,’ Hapless complained. ‘Just underfed.’

Of course, of course, (speaks sotto voce) we don’t want to upset our star now do we. (In a more normal voice) Hapless has been doing workout s down at the gym to put on tone. Haven’t you Hapless?

‘Err,’ Hapless blethered, ‘sure’.

You have not been skipping your training have you, Hapless? That would not look good to our readers.

‘Well, Novel, it’s like this, I had a cold and stayed in bed…’

Really, what an excuse! You should be man enough to overcome the flu. If you skulk in bed like that how are you going to be able to boldly go trekking across the stars? Uh? Tell me that?

‘Wait a minute,’ Hapless exploded, ‘I’m not going on any long walk. After my last “little adventure” as you called it. Took me months to recover. He gestured with his two fingers to emphasise the “little adventure” element to emphasise the ironic element. (Ed note: Tony, don’t you think it is taking the idea a bit too far to have both the comment after the sentence and the quotation marks in the sentence? One or both, I would think. Yours, Arabella xxx)

Arabella, you are with us! What a pleasant surprise! I had not expected you until a bit later when Tony began to lose the plot, as it were.

Novel, you should know much better than that. Of course the editor is concerned about plot integrity and all that—especially after last time—but our duties also extend to pointing out those areas where judicious editing would improve the overall effect. Notice that word ‘editing’, what an editor does, you know. Have you forgotten?

No, of course not. You are fearsomely diligent at rooting out such things, as I know from personal experience. (There is a sigh, followed by a moan.) Lovely to have you on board, Arabella, but must get back to the reader. Will catch up with you later, OK? (There is a stony silence, which some reputable hard rock archaeologist decided belonged to a heavy metal band called Motorhead, who back in Anno Dominie Eighteen Ninety Four, blew a fuse while playing the Super Bowl in Los Angeles. The two minutes silence while the roadies fixed the electrics is reputed, by some, to be the band’s finest number and would have been immortalised on vinyl, but it did not come up to scratch when performed in the recording studio. But we seem to be digressing, so will return you to Book.) It is ‘Brock’ as in Brock Lesnar, not ‘Book’ as in bouquet. Please get it right. Tsk.

Ah, reader, you are being very patient. Had some small issues to deal with but we should be able to move on now. Now, where was I?’

‘I was supposed to wait a minute,’ Hapless complained, ‘instead you have been keeping me holding on here on the page while you and that editor friend of yours sorted out something that, to be frank, should have been dealt with before we began this story.

(A scrolling up of the page. A rustle. A scrolling down of the page) Ah yes, we were just about to tell the reader about the trek you are about to undertake. And before you complain about sore feet again, let me tell you, you get to travel in a space ship.

‘I hope it is better than that boat we used to get to the Misty Mountains,’ Hapless complained loudly.

Yes, yes, of course it is. State of the art stuff it is; no relying on sails and the vagaries—what a nice word—of the wind. We are now in the future. Things are different in the future. We use, let me see, ah yes, a light sail, it seems.

Hapless asked the obvious question for a stalwart Hero just to about to embark on an adventure in a space ship, ‘So I won’t get chased, stabbed, thrown down a well, have to face my Critics, and all that?’

(Sounds of equivocation.) ‘I wouldn’t put it quite like that. After all, we do need some dramatic development; you know, characters facing indomitable challenges, and all that.

‘Just so long as it isn’t me doing these indomi-thingy challenges.’

You needn’t worry too much about that. You will be pleased to hear we have been able to retain Fighter for a reprise of his role as a walking death machine. As we are now in the future where everything is possible and thanks to our publisher we also have a bigger budget for this sequel, Fighter will be appearing as Grill'ek Rorg, a berserker of the Kumon Empire. Come to think of it, I think he might be around as I saw him earlier in Ten Forward. Before you ask any questions, yes, I know it’s a funny name for a mobile canteen, but the owner told me that with his foot down and a fair wind behind him, he managed to get his van to 10 mph. He did say it had done the Aldebaran Run in, I think, it was four-point-eight billion years. But I may have been mistaken. Let me see if Gorilla is around. Yes, I know it is spelt Grill'ek Rorg, but I can assure it is pronounced Gorilla, just like my name is spelt ‘Book’ but pronounced ‘Brock’. (There is a pressing of buttons and a series of sounds like someone dialling a phone: bleep, bop, bewerp; tuwee.) Gorilla, would you like to introduce yourself to Hapless and our reader?

‘nuqneH’ Gorilla thundered. For those of you not familiar with the seventh island dialect of the Kumon Empire, which is, it has to be admitted a difficult variant of an already impossible language for those not brought up in the fighting pits, translations will be provided from now on using our universal translator, Googleplex. So when Gorilla is speaking in Kumon 7ID (that is short for Kumon Empire Seventh Island Dialect, by the way), this will be rendered in something approximating English. Of course it can only be an approximation since in any translation you lose some of the nuances of the original language. But for most purposes, there is only one nuance in Kumon, which can be summarised as: I will tear you apart and feed your mangy entrails to my dear, sweet, death hound, Fluffy. So, and it is much sweeter in the original Kumon, Gorilla boomed, ‘What do you want?’

There is no need to shout down the phone.

‘I am not shouting; you should hear me shout.’

If I did, that would probably be the last sound I ever heard. Now listen up, Gorilla, we have Hapless here and a reader. It might be nice if you introduced yourself to them; after all, you will be with them for (There is a shuffling of papers.) about two-hundred and sixty five pages, it seems. My Universal Deity, is this story really going to be that long?

Novel, you needn’t worry yourself, Sweetie. After I have used my phonic screwdriver editors’ pen, a gift from you know Who, I think it will be a more manageable sixty four pages.

Thank My Universal Deity, Arabella, that you are working on this project otherwise it will go on to infinity.

Ha, ha, I like your little joke on the title there, Novel. Quite funny really.

Arabella, this is no time to get flippant about the name of the Brock. You know Tony went to a great deal of trouble to come up with a suitably catchy title and it was agreed at the fifteenth committee meeting after the working party had reported that their preferred choice, Mass Effect, was already taken by that mindless game. Most disappointing that we learned we couldn’t use it after we had already commissioned the cover and all that. What? Yes, I know it was premature of me to go ahead but we had a publishing schedule to keep and the working party took so long and then the committee deliberated for an eternity. And by the way, about the working party, I had a look at the expenses claim. I know you were a part of that. Can you shed any light on the item relating to, let me see (More shuffling of papers. Note to self to ask the special effects department whether they had anything else; this shuffling of papers was really becoming boring.), ah yes, “six pairs of knickers”?

No.

Pity, we have the Ferengi auditors in next week and I am a bit concerned they may question this item, especially since it is for six hundred galactic credits. You know how they are about money.

‘Hello there, Hapless,’ Gorilla thundered as he waved a friendly greeting. Now the reader needs to know several things about a Kumon Empire warrior. The first is their predilection for armour. Not the old stove kind of armour, but the flash silvery-black armour that would not look bad on a Samurai but on a Kumon warrior, makes them look really badass. This means you can hear them coming as even the slightest movement makes a sound. A sound like someone scratching safety glass in a desperate attempt to find a way through. The second, is that if you are addressed by said Kumon Empire warrior, you should immediately write and post your last will and testament and knell down and pray to The Universal Deity that it rains and the said Kumon Empire warrior rusts up before he gets to you. Now remember: if you hear the sound of glass being scratched, as you will, get writing.

‘Hi, Fighter,’ Hapless cheerfully replied in his idiosyncratic English, which was immediately translated into Kumon 7ID by Googleplex. Hope you have the idea now, so we can skip with the explanation as to how Hapless can talk to Gorilla while not understanding a word of Kumon 7ID, and Gorilla, etc., etc. For those of you with some linguistic talent, the exact phrase in Kumon 7ID was ‘glDoghQo’. But please do not expect translations for everything that Gorilla says or the story will, really, go beyond infinity.

Novel, dear, can you Tony to hurry up and get on with the action? I sense our reader might be getting, shall I say it, a tad bored.

Arabella, surely this is the time to use that phonic screwdriver editors’ pen of yours.

I think you will have to persuade Tony to take a break from his computer. I only have one set of batteries for my pen with me and no spares, so I need to go lightly.

Pity. I’ll see if I can catch Tony’s attention. Hey there, Tony; woo ho, Mr Author It’s me, Novel, we need to have a chat.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? I’M BUSY, CAN’T YOU READ?